Growing Pains

“The creative path when synchronized with the path of the heart is a curvy, scenic one of beauty, spontaneity, surprising landscapes and unexpected encounters. The only way to experience this path is to enjoy the journey. If you are impatiently focused on “getting to your destination”, you will miss the magic of the process. It is important that you remember to be patient during this time and to accept the growing pains that may happen due to moving outside the box and outside your comfort level into new territory.” 
 ~ The Power Path, June 2015 Forecast

I thought that once I entered the magical realm of Thailand, that I would be a completely new person, and everything would be perfect and fall into place. That could not be further from the truth. Although I am learning and growing, step-by-step and day-by-day, I am still the person I was two months ago before I left. It reminds me of that quote “Wherever you go, there you are.”

In the past, when I saw that someone was traveling the world, I confess I was extremely jealous. “Why them and not me?” “Now their lives must be perfect” “They are having all these amazing experiences and I’m stuck here.”

But that was a matter of perspective. Now that I’m shifting into my new life and hopefully new lifelong career, I find myself yearning for the thing I left behind: family, friends and hiking and biking through the mountains and deserts.

Isaan is flat and extremely hot. Everyday it’s between 90 and 100 degrees, and humidity is between 65 – 85%. There have been times I’ve gone on my bike thinking “Oh it’s not that hot!” Only twenty minutes later to discover that I’m drifting into heat stroke. Not only during the day, even at night! There is no gym, no swimming pool.  I’m starting to realize that I’m not addicted to marijuana, alcohol or even people. I’m addicted to recreation, more specifically outdoor recreation. And now that I can’t do anything physical, I am succumbing to listlessness.

Two days ago I popped the tube on my tire, and although I have a desire to get it fixed, I also have a desire to be creative and try something new. This week I’m going to buy running shoes and start jogging in the evenings. I’m also going to use the staircase at my apartment as a stair stepper. I am going to accept the situation at hand and adapt accordingly. I’ve always been too afraid to start jogging or running thinking “I’m not good enough to do that,” but now that it is one of the few options I have left, I think I’m going to take the challenge.

I also realize that there is a lot of emotional baggage I have taken with me to Thailand, which haunt me to this very day. I have fears: fears of telling the truth, fears of letting go and fears of grieving a beloved family member. I have dreams of still being in the U.S. and not having the finances to be able to leave. I know that these dreams will diminish when I deal with the past accordingly.

Leaving didn’t mean my baggage magically disappeared. Quite the opposite. Now in times of leisure and solitude, my baggage hangs over my head like a giant incubus and interferes with my ability to step into the new life that is waiting for me. 

Jim Morrison said, “Expose yourself to your deepest fear; After that the fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.”

The other part of me that is wiser is smiling. She knows that the next few years are a complete blank slate, and that less than 6 months from now, her life will completely change again (most likely for the better). That she has the power to change her life, and the wisdom to find the best place for her energy. That anything and everything is possible and that this is a time for discipline, grounding and spiritual blood work.

I remember feeling exactly the same way my first year of college. I was curious to be in a new place, but hadn’t found my footing yet, and lacked the support that I had depended upon in the past. Little did I know that around the corner would be a whole new slew of integral allies ready for me.  A myriad of experiences: some good, some bad, but experiences that were all “meant to be.” The Master’s classes, Bicycle Day & 4/20 in Boulder, endless nights of excess with friends, and much self discovery.

I know that the best is yet to come, but right now I have to do some serious mental and emotional work to cleanse the past and make way for the future. Instead of reacting with fear towards this work, I am going to take a deep breath and dive into it head first. I know that when I rise to the surface again, things will be different. Change isn’t scary: it’s all we are and all we will ever be.