My Day is Your Night

 

 Every  morning when I wake up; I consider how strange it is that half a world away, you are settling down to go to sleep. I am beginning the day that has yet manifested in your existence.

As I start to chase the sun, you quicken to race the moon.

When I spend the evening in repose and greet the night with an open spirit, you are rising to the day that I’ve already experienced. It’s a completely new day for you, ripe with opportunity. You are frenetic energy with a quickening pace. The sunbeams illuminate your scruffy face, and I can see you smile in my mind. I envision your smile existing somewhere in this world as I drift into an ethereal slumber. I hold this piece of you, which I know is only mine. 

As I drift into dream worlds, landscapes and my own subconscious mind, you are running to and fro – meeting people, caring for your kin. You creep from place to place, and play as hard as you work. Your eyes are as wide open as your heart is eager to devour this precious life, because you never know when the sun will harken to its final setting. 
 

And then the cycle renews – as your soul slows down to rest, my soul arises and starts humming. I soak up the energy and wais of the happy souls around me, and try my best to make them think in a new language. Sometimes are trying, sometimes I’m flying. But I know that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be and it is right here.

Whilst I am alive and creating reality, you are succumbing to slumber. I know you dream. But do you still dream of me?

I think it’s fitting. Not only that we are separated by place, but by the very nature of time. That I’m in the sunrise and you are in the sunset. That I live in the East, the land of the sun god (Ra, Mithras), and you live in the West, where the dark and light ones alike worship the moon goddess (Sin, Nanna, Diana, Artemis). It’s irony in duality, how the moon tails the sun and the sun tails the moon. For days, months, weeks, and years. 

 Until an eclipse. When the sun and moon finally get to meet and the whole world stands in awe at their rapture. 

But until then, I shall be content envisioning you with your driftwood crown, standing at the banks of a mighty river, or on a tempest sea. As Luna ascends her trail of burning stars, the night beckons a drowsy splendor. I will sit contended in the sunshine. Hearing the laughter of children, smelling the flowering trees and marveling at how the day is inescapable to the night, but that the night always surrenders at dawn to the day. Our microcosm is the macro - the everlasting dance of the cosmos.

Growing Pains

“The creative path when synchronized with the path of the heart is a curvy, scenic one of beauty, spontaneity, surprising landscapes and unexpected encounters. The only way to experience this path is to enjoy the journey. If you are impatiently focused on “getting to your destination”, you will miss the magic of the process. It is important that you remember to be patient during this time and to accept the growing pains that may happen due to moving outside the box and outside your comfort level into new territory.” 
 ~ The Power Path, June 2015 Forecast

I thought that once I entered the magical realm of Thailand, that I would be a completely new person, and everything would be perfect and fall into place. That could not be further from the truth. Although I am learning and growing, step-by-step and day-by-day, I am still the person I was two months ago before I left. It reminds me of that quote “Wherever you go, there you are.”

In the past, when I saw that someone was traveling the world, I confess I was extremely jealous. “Why them and not me?” “Now their lives must be perfect” “They are having all these amazing experiences and I’m stuck here.”

But that was a matter of perspective. Now that I’m shifting into my new life and hopefully new lifelong career, I find myself yearning for the thing I left behind: family, friends and hiking and biking through the mountains and deserts.

Isaan is flat and extremely hot. Everyday it’s between 90 and 100 degrees, and humidity is between 65 – 85%. There have been times I’ve gone on my bike thinking “Oh it’s not that hot!” Only twenty minutes later to discover that I’m drifting into heat stroke. Not only during the day, even at night! There is no gym, no swimming pool.  I’m starting to realize that I’m not addicted to marijuana, alcohol or even people. I’m addicted to recreation, more specifically outdoor recreation. And now that I can’t do anything physical, I am succumbing to listlessness.

Two days ago I popped the tube on my tire, and although I have a desire to get it fixed, I also have a desire to be creative and try something new. This week I’m going to buy running shoes and start jogging in the evenings. I’m also going to use the staircase at my apartment as a stair stepper. I am going to accept the situation at hand and adapt accordingly. I’ve always been too afraid to start jogging or running thinking “I’m not good enough to do that,” but now that it is one of the few options I have left, I think I’m going to take the challenge.

I also realize that there is a lot of emotional baggage I have taken with me to Thailand, which haunt me to this very day. I have fears: fears of telling the truth, fears of letting go and fears of grieving a beloved family member. I have dreams of still being in the U.S. and not having the finances to be able to leave. I know that these dreams will diminish when I deal with the past accordingly.

Leaving didn’t mean my baggage magically disappeared. Quite the opposite. Now in times of leisure and solitude, my baggage hangs over my head like a giant incubus and interferes with my ability to step into the new life that is waiting for me. 

Jim Morrison said, “Expose yourself to your deepest fear; After that the fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.”

The other part of me that is wiser is smiling. She knows that the next few years are a complete blank slate, and that less than 6 months from now, her life will completely change again (most likely for the better). That she has the power to change her life, and the wisdom to find the best place for her energy. That anything and everything is possible and that this is a time for discipline, grounding and spiritual blood work.

I remember feeling exactly the same way my first year of college. I was curious to be in a new place, but hadn’t found my footing yet, and lacked the support that I had depended upon in the past. Little did I know that around the corner would be a whole new slew of integral allies ready for me.  A myriad of experiences: some good, some bad, but experiences that were all “meant to be.” The Master’s classes, Bicycle Day & 4/20 in Boulder, endless nights of excess with friends, and much self discovery.

I know that the best is yet to come, but right now I have to do some serious mental and emotional work to cleanse the past and make way for the future. Instead of reacting with fear towards this work, I am going to take a deep breath and dive into it head first. I know that when I rise to the surface again, things will be different. Change isn’t scary: it’s all we are and all we will ever be.

6 Weeks in Thailand

This is the longest time I’ve spent in a foreign country and my first time living in a foreign country. In 3 weeks time, it will be the longest I’ve ever been away from home. What have I learned in this time?

I am fulfilled by: New experiences

Although I’m grateful I obtained my education near my birthplace, part of me wishes I would have left long ago. I got to a point where I felt trapped and stifled. I knew that I couldn’t grow or learn anything new from the place I came from. I had to find new horizons. I had always wanted to go to Thailand and I knew that it would probably the best country for my temperament.

In only 6 weeks of being here, I’ve already had some amazing experiences. Making friends from: South Africa, Ireland, England, Scotland and America. Topsy-turfy nights on Khaosan Road: the lines blurred between fiction and reality. Peaceful nights: riding my bike in the rice paddies of the village. Crazy times in the classroom: yelling, trying to make sense to those who don’t understand 99% of what I say. Fun times in the classroom: laughing hysterically at the cutest and sweetest children in the world. Evenings with Karn: spending time with an incredibly strong woman and her adorable 2 year old, learning about Thai culture, laughing, eating and drinking. Nights with Jao: singing Backstreet Boys, enjoying conversation, and tolerating the taste of Leo :)

Days and nights traveling: by plane, by bus, by minivan, by tuk-tuk, by taxi. Through the countryside and in one of the largest cities on earth (Bangkok: the real city that never sleeps). Wat Pho: the reclining Buddha, epic architecture, and serenity. Ko Samet: delving into the epic destiny, which led me to the isle. Being supremely happy: feeling the sand between my toes and the waves in concert with the rhythms of the moon.

On the ocean, you can feel the power of the earth connected by a molecule that comprises most of our physical matter. You can connect to the vast beyond that stretches to every continent, and contains billions of life forms. The water is vast, almost incomprehensibly so…. but water, just like all matter is essentially empty. An atom is mostly empty space. The ocean (just like eternity) is both tremendous and void at the same time. Buddhism 101: Form is emptiness, emptiness is form.

I need to learn to: Let go

It’s so hard for me to let go of good things: namely good people. Although it was very easy for me to let go of my home area, and the United States in general (I was chomping at the bit to escape), there is someone that I haven’t fully gotten over. I wanted a quick fix: someone new to meet to get over the old reality. But I have come to accept that it will take time. Things have changed and we don’t have what we had before. Impermanence is the only constant, and although my rational mind is fully aware of this fact, my heart and spirit are so resistant to abandon the pull and feel of ecstatic joys, that were all too recent and still raw.

The newness and vividness of my adventures are ever present, but when I’m alone, I think of the past and cling so fervently to a dream that is vanishing. The hardest part of this journey is not teaching, not learning the language, not adjusting to a new culture. The hardest part is learning to trust spirit and enter into a willingness to let go of the past to make room for the present.

I will: Consume myself with desire for the present, stop dwelling on the past, and create better habits

The wonderful new experiences are oddly juxtaposed to my stubborn reluctance to let go, and so my life has become somewhat of a contradiction. I know that time is the greatest healer, but I don’t want to wait for time. I want start changing today. I want to begin the process of accepting each and every moment as if it is my last. To finally develop a true breathing practice, and find the inner stillness the sages have. And to stop looking for a relationship with another to fulfill me, when I know that real fulfillment only comes from inside. This is the task at hand – a great one. But over time, I will write about my experiences and preserver to create a new life for myself. Not just a life of adventure, but also a life of peace despite circumstance.

Things I love about Thailand:

How laid back everything is
The people (are very friendly)
Chang
Tuk-Tuk rides
The humor
The beauty: in Isaan, in Bangkok, and in the islands
Wai-topia
How proud I feel when I order something new on a menu
The streets next to Khoasan Road that are chill
Wats (temples)
“Hello teacher”
The green lushness all around me at all times


Drawbacks of Thailand:

Just how laid back everything is
Waiting in line at 7-11
The brooms
The dogs
The obsession that Thai people have with taking a million selfies
The obsession that Thai people have with playing loud music in public places (where I live)
The geckos (they make very loud robotic noises)
I miss so much food, it’s unreal
The bugs
How hot is is (it’s insanely hot, all the time)
Menus only in Thai
“This is Thailand” – things just don’t work the same here. A different logic rules this universe (will elaborate upon in future posts)

Till next post..Sawadee Kha to you and yours.